It is starting to hit me that Judah's surgery is so soon...tomorrow will be worse because we will be in single digits and Friday worse still because that will mark a week.
I wish I could fully explain the gamut of emotions I am experiencing. I am excited that something is finally happening, but at the same time I am terrified of what it IS that is happening. I've heard a lot of cleft moms say how much they missed their child's cleft after surgery...before I thought 'no way will I ever miss it'! But I so will...I wonder a lot about how he will look afterwards, I'm sure it will be fine but it is hard to think about because I love the way he looks now...as I said before, I understand that surgery is completely necessary, but in this weird way I feel like he won't be the baby I gave birth to, he will be altered, and that makes me so sad. I hope one day he can read all of this and know that I always thought he was made beautifully perfect.
I am getting really on edge about the actual surgery, but I am trying not to dwell on it a lot. I'm sure the risk of complication is relatively low, but I am still so scared of him going under anesthesia...hopefully it will be easier next time since he will have been through it already. I am worried that I will be nit-picky about the repair and that it will look 'worse'. I can hardly imagine him looking 'better' than he does now.
I hope Micah handles everything ok, he had a very hard time when Judah was in the NICU because it made him feel like Judah was sick. We are a very good match because where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. He is not good about expressing his feelings, so I hope that we will be able to stay communicative and united together so we can get through this and rely on each other for the strength the other lacks.
I am also thinking a lot about the recovery, I have been told that they bounce back relatively quickly, but I think it will be like having a newborn all over again, but worse. I am hoping he will still like his Haberman bottle and that we won't have to try a million different ones to get him to eat. I don't like that he will have to wear arm restraints for weeks after surgery. What I hope for the most is that he will be in the least pain possible and that the transition will be as smooth as it can be, for Judah, Micah and myself.
I know a lot of this is probably hard for some of you to understand, but it makes me feel better by trying to work everything out in writing. I have so many conflicting emotions about everything, it's hard for even me to understand. I really am pretty positive about the whole situation, despite everything, it is just an experience that is really hard to process.
Genesis 1:26-27 - And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. (KJV)
ReplyDeletePhilippians 4:19 - But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (KJV)
Matthew 6:34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (NIV)
Here is some Scripture to get you through the worry/anxiety/unknown. The Lord knows your heart, and is holding sweet Judah. It is normal as a parent to have any of these feelings with any situation that arises. I have them too. Prayers for you!
Judah is lucky to have loving parents that are willing to move Heaven and earth for his well-being. This is the time to be calm and collect your thoughts. If writing is your escape, then write your heart out. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel or at least can empathize. But the world is not always as kind and loving as you are. In the end, Judah will have an easier time after the surgery. I know you love him so unconditionally that he will continue to be the strong, beautiful person he already is no matter what. I pray that his surgery is successful and his recovery is speedy!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you and your family. I have complete faith he will make it through and bounce right back. he's a very handsome boy and you and micah are very strong parents. i hope you the absolute best and will continue to pray for judah and your family <3 your snowflake
ReplyDeleteThoughts and prayers headed your way from Texas. :) It's natural to be nit-picky with the repair because you want the best for your little one. When Mia had her surgery I was pretty upset with her new little face because it didn't feel like it was my same baby any more, and it honestly took a little bit to grow on me and I mourned the loss of her beautiful wide smile. I pray your recovery goes smoothly and that Judah heals quickly and wonderfully!
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